Managing Difficult Conversations Well
A Guide for Managers
Managing people sometimes means having conversations that are uncomfortable, challenging or emotionally charged.
These conversations may relate to:
- performance;
- attendance;
- conduct;
- wellbeing;
- workplace relationships;
- behaviour;
- change management;
- complaints or concerns.
Avoiding difficult conversations rarely makes problems disappear. In many cases, concerns become more serious when they are not addressed promptly.
The purpose of this guidance is to help managers approach difficult conversations confidently, fairly and professionally.
Why Difficult Conversations Matter
Effective management requires honest conversations.
Employees are entitled to:
- understand expectations;
- receive feedback;
- know when concerns arise;
- have opportunities to improve;
- be treated with dignity and respect.
Managers have a responsibility to address concerns appropriately rather than avoiding them.
Reasonable Management Is Not Bullying
The University recognises that managers have a legitimate role in:
- setting objectives;
- monitoring performance;
- addressing concerns;
- managing attendance;
- allocating work;
- providing feedback;
- implementing organisational change;
- taking formal action where required.
Consistent with ACAS guidance, these actions do not normally constitute bullying when undertaken reasonably, fairly and professionally.
Employees may not always agree with management decisions, but disagreement alone does not mean inappropriate behaviour has occurred.
Start With Curiosity, Not Assumptions
Before entering a difficult conversation:
Ask yourself:
- Do I have all the facts?
- Have I heard all perspectives?
- Am I making assumptions?
- Could there be circumstances I am unaware of?
Good managers seek understanding before reaching conclusions.
Focus on Behaviour, Not Character
One of the most common mistakes in difficult conversations is focusing on the person rather than the issue.
Instead of:
"You're unreliable."
Focus on:
"There have been several occasions where deadlines have not been met."
Instead of:
"You're not committed."
Focus on:
"I've noticed a reduction in attendance at team meetings."
Discuss observable behaviours, actions and outcomes rather than making judgements about personality or motivation.
Be Clear and Specific
Vague feedback can create confusion and anxiety.
Avoid:
"People have concerns."
Instead say:
"Three reports were submitted after the agreed deadline during the last month."
Clear examples help individuals understand concerns and respond appropriately.
Create Space for Response
A difficult conversation should not be a monologue.
Managers should:
- listen actively;
- ask open questions;
- allow employees to explain;
- explore barriers and challenges;
- consider new information.
Employees are more likely to engage positively when they feel heard.
Separate Intent From Impact
Sometimes individuals do not intend to cause difficulty or concern.
However, impact still matters.
Managers should explore:
- what happened;
- the impact of the behaviour;
- what may need to change moving forward.
This approach encourages reflection rather than defensiveness.
Managing Emotion
Difficult conversations may trigger strong emotions.
People may feel:
- upset;
- frustrated;
- embarrassed;
- defensive;
- anxious.
Managers should:
- remain calm;
- avoid becoming defensive;
- acknowledge emotions respectfully;
- allow pauses when needed;
- focus on the issue being discussed.
The goal is not to "win" the conversation.
The goal is to resolve concerns constructively.
Avoid These Common Pitfalls
Public Criticism
Concerns should normally be addressed privately.
Personal Attacks
Challenge behaviour, not character.
Assumptions
Avoid assuming intent without evidence.
Escalating Emotion
Remain calm, even when conversations become difficult.
Delayed Feedback
Concerns should be addressed promptly wherever possible.
Ambiguity
Ensure expectations and next steps are understood.
Giving Constructive Feedback
Constructive feedback is:
Timely
Address concerns as soon as reasonably possible.
Specific
Use examples.
Balanced
Recognise strengths as well as areas for improvement.
Action-Focused
Focus on future improvement rather than blame.
Respectful
Maintain dignity throughout.
Managing Performance Conversations
Performance management should support improvement rather than punishment.
Helpful questions may include:
- What barriers are affecting performance?
- What support may be required?
- What good performance looks like?
- What actions have already been taken?
- What improvement is needed?
- What timescales are realistic?
Performance conversations should provide clarity and support, not fear.
Challenging Inappropriate Behaviour
Managers should not avoid addressing conduct concerns because they fear being perceived as bullying.
Failure to address inappropriate behaviour can:
- affect team morale;
- damage working relationships;
- undermine standards;
- increase organisational risk.
The key is to address concerns professionally, consistently and respectfully.
Managing Conversations About Wellbeing
Sometimes performance or behaviour concerns may be linked to wellbeing issues.
Managers are not expected to act as counsellors.
However, they should:
- listen sensitively;
- consider support needs;
- signpost available support;
- seek HR advice where appropriate;
- consider reasonable adjustments where relevant.
Documentation and Follow-Up
Following difficult conversations:
- summarise key points;
- confirm expectations;
- agree actions;
- identify support required;
- arrange follow-up discussions.
Good documentation helps ensure fairness and consistency.
Difficult Conversations and Freedom of Speech
Managers should be careful to distinguish between:
Lawful disagreement
and
Misconduct
Employees should be able to:
- express lawful views;
- challenge decisions respectfully;
- raise concerns;
- participate in debate.
Managers should focus on behaviour, conduct and professional standards rather than whether they personally agree with an individual's viewpoint.
ACAS Principles for Effective Conversations
Consistent with ACAS guidance, managers should aim to:
- address issues early;
- communicate openly;
- listen carefully;
- treat people fairly;
- remain objective;
- avoid prejudging situations;
- seek solutions where possible;
- maintain dignity and respect.
These principles support both effective management and healthy workplace relationships.
Reflection Questions for Managers
Before a difficult conversation ask yourself:
Am I addressing a behaviour, performance issue or conduct concern?
Do I have evidence rather than assumptions?
Have I considered the individual's perspective?
What outcome am I seeking?
Have I prepared how I will communicate this respectfully?
Would I be comfortable explaining my approach to HR, a Trade Union representative or an external investigator?
Remember
Being a good manager does not mean avoiding difficult conversations.
It means approaching them with fairness, clarity, empathy and professionalism.
The most effective managers are not those who never have difficult conversations. They are those who create environments where concerns can be addressed honestly, respectfully and constructively before they become larger problems.