When Someone Chooses to Tell You
Sometimes a friend, colleague, classmate, student or family member may share something difficult, upsetting or deeply personal.
They may disclose experiences such as:
- Sexual misconduct
- Domestic abuse
- Stalking
- Harassment
- Bullying
- Discrimination
- Mental health difficulties
- Self-harm
- Suicidal thoughts
- Safeguarding concerns
For many people, deciding to tell someone can take courage.
How you respond can have a significant impact on whether they feel supported and whether they choose to seek further help.
The good news is that you do not need to be an expert to respond well.
First Things First: Listen
Often the most helpful thing you can do is listen.
You do not need to have all the answers.
You do not need to solve the problem.
You do not need to investigate what happened.
Instead:
✓ Give the person your attention.
✓ Allow them to speak in their own words.
✓ Avoid interrupting.
✓ Listen without judgement.
✓ Accept that they may become emotional.
Many people simply want to feel heard and believed.
Thank Them for Telling You
Disclosing difficult experiences can feel frightening.
Simple responses such as:
- "Thank you for telling me."
- "I'm glad you felt able to talk to me."
- "That sounds really difficult."
- "I appreciate you sharing this with me."
can help someone feel supported and understood.
Take Them Seriously
People may worry that:
- They won't be believed.
- They are overreacting.
- They will be blamed.
- They will be judged.
Taking concerns seriously does not mean making assumptions or reaching conclusions.
It means recognising that the person's experience is important and deserves a thoughtful response.
Avoid Investigating
It can be tempting to ask lots of questions.
However, unless your role specifically requires it, it is usually best not to investigate.
Avoid:
✗ Asking for extensive details.
✗ Pressuring someone to explain everything.
✗ Seeking proof.
✗ Challenging inconsistencies.
✗ Acting like a detective.
Instead, focus on understanding:
- What support they need.
- Whether they are safe.
- What they would like to happen next.
Be Careful With Questions
If you need to ask questions, keep them open and supportive.
Examples:
✓ "How are you feeling about things at the moment?"
✓ "What support would be helpful right now?"
✓ "Is there anything you are worried about?"
✓ "Do you feel safe?"
Avoid questions that could sound blaming.
Examples:
✗ "Why didn't you tell someone sooner?"
✗ "Why were you there?"
✗ "Why didn't you leave?"
✗ "Are you sure that's what happened?"
Don't Promise Absolute Confidentiality
Many people want reassurance that what they share will remain private.
However, there may be situations where concerns need to be shared with appropriate professionals, particularly if:
- Someone is at risk of harm.
- A child may be at risk.
- An adult at risk may be in danger.
- There are serious safeguarding concerns.
Instead of promising secrecy, consider saying:
"I will respect your privacy as much as possible, but if I become worried about someone's safety, I may need to seek advice from the appropriate people. If that happens, I will try to explain what is happening and why."
This helps maintain trust while being honest.
Check Whether They Are Safe
In some situations, it may be important to understand whether there are immediate concerns.
Examples include:
- Fear of another person.
- Threats.
- Ongoing abuse.
- Self-harm concerns.
- Suicidal thoughts.
- Immediate safeguarding risks.
You do not need to complete a risk assessment yourself.
Simply identifying whether there are urgent concerns can help determine whether additional support is needed.
Respect Their Choices
People may not always want to:
- Report what happened.
- Speak to professionals.
- Take formal action.
It is important to remember that, wherever possible, people should be supported to make informed choices about what happens next.
Your role is to support and inform, not to pressure.
Encourage Support
You do not have to carry responsibility for supporting someone on your own.
Depending on the situation, it may be helpful to encourage access to:
- Safeguarding support
- Mental health support
- Counselling
- Student support services
- Occupational Health
- HR support
- External specialist organisations
- Emergency services where necessary
Seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Looking After Yourself
Supporting someone can sometimes feel emotionally demanding.
It is normal to experience feelings such as:
- Concern
- Worry
- Sadness
- Frustration
- Helplessness
You may also need support yourself.
Consider:
- Speaking to an appropriate professional.
- Seeking guidance.
- Accessing support services.
- Discussing concerns with your manager or supervisor where appropriate.
Remember that supporting someone does not mean carrying their experiences alone.
If You Are a Member of Staff
Staff members may have additional responsibilities where concerns relate to:
- Safeguarding
- Risk of harm
- Child protection
- Adult safeguarding
- Serious misconduct
If you are unsure what to do, seek advice from the appropriate university service.
It is always better to ask for guidance than to manage significant concerns alone.
What If I Get It Wrong?
Many people worry about saying the wrong thing.
The reality is that most people do not expect perfect responses.
They usually remember whether someone:
✓ Listened.
✓ Took them seriously.
✓ Treated them with kindness.
✓ Helped them access support.
Showing compassion and respect often matters more than finding the perfect words.
Helpful Things to Remember
DO
✓ Listen.
✓ Stay calm.
✓ Thank them for telling you.
✓ Take concerns seriously.
✓ Ask what support they need.
✓ Signpost to appropriate help.
✓ Seek advice if you are unsure.
DON'T
✗ Investigate.
✗ Judge.
✗ Blame.
✗ Promise absolute secrecy.
✗ Pressure them to report.
✗ Take responsibility for solving everything yourself.
Key Message
When someone chooses to share something difficult with you, your response can make a lasting difference.
You do not need to be an expert. You do not need to have all the answers.
Listening, showing compassion and helping someone access support can be one of the most valuable things you can do.