When a Relationship Becomes About Power and Control
Healthy relationships are built upon:
- Trust.
- Respect.
- Choice.
- Equality.
- Independence.
Whilst disagreements and challenges can occur in any relationship, nobody should feel controlled, intimidated, isolated or fearful.
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to dominate, manipulate or control another person.
Unlike physical violence, coercive control is often gradual and can be difficult to recognise, particularly for the person experiencing it.
Many people experiencing coercive control do not initially identify their experiences as abuse.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control involves a pattern of behaviours designed to:
- Restrict someone's independence.
- Reduce their autonomy.
- Control their decisions.
- Create dependence.
- Isolate them from support.
- Make them feel fearful or powerless.
Often there is no single incident.
Instead, coercive control develops over time through repeated behaviours that gradually undermine a person's confidence, freedom and ability to make choices.
Coercive Control Is Not Always Obvious
Many people imagine abuse as physical violence.
Whilst physical abuse can occur alongside coercive control, controlling behaviour often exists without physical assault.
This can make it harder to recognise.
People experiencing coercive control may describe feeling:
- Constantly monitored.
- Unable to make decisions.
- Responsible for managing another person's emotions.
- Isolated from friends and family.
- Anxious about upsetting their partner.
- Unable to leave the relationship.
The impact can be significant even where physical violence has never occurred.
Monitoring and Surveillance
One common feature of coercive control is excessive monitoring.
Examples may include:
- Constantly checking where someone is.
- Requiring immediate responses to messages.
- Demanding access to phones or devices.
- Checking social media activity.
- Monitoring location services.
- Reviewing call logs or messages.
- Demanding passwords.
Sometimes this behaviour is disguised as concern or care.
For example:
"I just worry about you."
"I only want to know you're safe."
Healthy concern respects boundaries.
Control seeks to remove them.
Isolation From Friends and Family
A controlling person may attempt to reduce a person's contact with others.
Examples may include:
- Criticising friends or family.
- Creating conflict around social activities.
- Making someone feel guilty for spending time with others.
- Discouraging involvement in university activities.
- Limiting access to support networks.
Isolation can increase dependence on the controlling individual and make it harder to seek help.
Financial Control
Money can be used as a tool of control.
Examples may include:
- Restricting access to money.
- Monitoring spending.
- Creating financial dependence.
- Taking control of finances.
- Pressuring someone to provide financial support.
- Preventing someone from working or studying effectively.
Financial abuse can leave individuals feeling trapped and unable to leave unhealthy situations.
Emotional Manipulation
Coercive control often involves emotional manipulation.
Examples may include:
- Persistent criticism.
- Humiliation.
- Blame.
- Gaslighting.
- Making someone doubt their own judgement.
- Using guilt to influence decisions.
- Making someone feel responsible for another person's behaviour.
Over time, these behaviours can significantly affect confidence and wellbeing.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes someone to question their own memory, judgement or perception of events.
Examples may include:
- Denying things that happened.
- Rewriting events.
- Suggesting someone is overreacting.
- Making someone doubt their recollection of events.
Over time, individuals may lose confidence in their own judgement and become increasingly dependent on the controlling person.
Digital Control and Online Abuse
Technology can be used to facilitate coercive control.
Examples may include:
- Monitoring social media accounts.
- Tracking locations through devices.
- Requiring access to passwords.
- Excessive messaging.
- Demanding photographs or proof of location.
- Monitoring online activity.
- Using technology to intimidate or harass.
Digital abuse can occur even when individuals are physically apart.
Threats and Intimidation
Coercive control often relies on fear rather than physical force.
Examples may include threats relating to:
- Relationships.
- Finances.
- Accommodation.
- Immigration status.
- Reputation.
- Family relationships.
- Personal information.
The threat does not always need to be carried out for it to influence behaviour.
Sometimes the fear of what might happen is enough.
Why Is It Difficult to Leave?
People often ask:
"Why don't they just leave?"
This question can overlook the complexity of coercive control.
People may stay because of:
- Fear.
- Emotional attachment.
- Financial dependence.
- Children or family responsibilities.
- Housing concerns.
- Isolation.
- Hope that things will improve.
- Lack of support.
Leaving may sometimes increase risk in the short term.
This is why support should always be person-centred and non-judgemental.
Coercive Control in Student Relationships
Coercive control can occur in:
- Long-term relationships.
- New relationships.
- Casual relationships.
- Online relationships.
- Relationships between students.
- Relationships involving staff or placement settings.
University environments can sometimes create additional vulnerabilities through:
- Living arrangements.
- Financial pressures.
- Social dependency.
- Isolation from family support networks.
Warning Signs
Potential indicators may include:
- A person becoming increasingly isolated.
- Constant checking-in with a partner.
- Anxiety about upsetting someone.
- Loss of confidence.
- Sudden withdrawal from activities.
- Changes in friendship groups.
- Financial difficulties linked to a relationship.
- Fearful behaviour.
- Reduced independence.
No single sign confirms coercive control, but patterns of behaviour should be taken seriously.
Supporting Someone Experiencing Coercive Control
If someone discloses concerns:
✓ Listen without judgement.
✓ Take their concerns seriously.
✓ Avoid criticising their decisions.
✓ Respect their autonomy.
✓ Encourage access to support.
✓ Seek safeguarding advice where appropriate.
Many people experiencing coercive control fear they will not be believed.
Being listened to can be an important first step.
What If I Am Worried About Someone?
If you are concerned about a friend, student, colleague or family member:
✓ Check in with them.
✓ Create opportunities for conversation.
✓ Share information about support services.
✓ Raise safeguarding concerns where appropriate.
You do not need proof that coercive control is occurring before seeking advice.
What If This Sounds Familiar?
If you recognise these experiences in your own relationship, support is available.
You do not need to wait until a situation becomes a crisis before seeking help.
Talking to someone can help you explore your options, understand what is happening and access support that meets your needs.
Key Message
Coercive control is not about a single argument or disagreement.
It is a pattern of behaviour designed to dominate, isolate, manipulate or control another person.
Because coercive control often develops gradually, it can be difficult to recognise. Understanding the warning signs can help individuals identify unhealthy relationship dynamics, seek support and access help before situations escalate.
Everyone has the right to relationships that are based on respect, choice, trust and safety.